


I Can't Breathe

by aceofhearts88



Series: Howling at the Stars [12]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, First Kiss, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 06:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12248967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceofhearts88/pseuds/aceofhearts88
Summary: They say Ser Arthur Dayne is the Deadliest Knight in the Kingsguard. They don't know that sometimes Arthur cannot even breathe around that ball of self doubt and fear curled up in his stomach that was choking him.





	I Can't Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> So, before we go and unravel that cliffhanger, some look back in time at the friendship and love between Arthur and Rhaegar.

Ser Arthur Dayne. 

Sword of the Morning. They say he is the Deadliest Knight in Aerys' Kingsguard. Nothing got between him and Dawn, nothing remained standing in their way, they fought as one, man and sword. 

The Silver Prince's White Knight. They say he is the most honorable knight in the Seven Kingdoms. Valiant and brave. A True Knight of Old. The Wonder Child. 

They don't know that sometimes Arthur cannot even breathe around that ball of self doubt and fear curled up in his stomach that was choking him.

\--

As a child, it was terrible. It wouldn't feel any less like dying when he grew older but as a child it was the worst feeling in the world, it was something taken over his little body without him being able to do something.

The first time Arthur could remember way too vividly – by far not the first time it happened – he had been two moons past his eight name day, his father had arranged a feast for his wife's thirtieth name day. Andric had come from Sunspear with little Ashara for a visit and they had brought the Princes along.

Arthur had looked forward to seeing his siblings again but that feeling had quickly soured when they had turned up with their friends in tow. Ashara, his little sister, his little wild sister, didn't even hug him long enough to look him in the eyes before dragging Prince Oberyn away to show him the castle.

Arthur had wondered if she even still remembered her home and her family, he barely remembered her. Andric, tall and brightly grinning Andric, ruffled his hair and asked how his sword training was going, Arthur showed him the steel sword he was allowed to carry now His older brother laughed and told him to stop working so hard, 'live a little, play a little' and then he led Prince Doran into Starfall.

Arthur was left standing all alone in the courtyard, surrounded by servants and guards attending the horses and the carts of his siblings and the Martell Princes. Gone were the hopes of climbing down the caves with Ash, or going riding with Andric, or even sparring with his big brother to finally show him how hard he had worked.

The next days weren't going any better, his siblings were so busy with their friends that they had never any time. Andric was suddenly so grown up that he sat with father in his solar and talked, Prince Doran with him. Ashara was climbing down to the caves after all, but it was Prince Oberyn with her and with him there, she didn't need Arthur anymore to reach the high stones.

He wasn't good enough, that was the only thing his little mind could find in explanation, he still wasn't good enough.

He avoided everyone in the days leading up to the feast, spend his time in the training's yard again, attended his lessons without any sigh of complaint. He needed to get better, better and better. 

Until he was good enough.

During the feast, he sat obediently at the high table between his mother and Ashara, dressed perfectly in the clothes his mother had laid out for him. Not like Ashara who hadn't even let the maids braid her hair or Andric who hadn't closed his doublet correctly. He was quiet and kept his head down while the adults talked, not like his sister who kept on whispering with Prince Oberyn or Andric who kept on smirking at the serving maids.

He wasn't hungry at all and still ate, it would not be proper or polite to not taste what his mother had ordered the cooks to prepare. The food felt weird in his stomach and he took as many small bites only as he could without fearing to look ungrateful. Arthur knew there were many people down in the village who went hungry sometimes, and it would not look okay if the Lord's son appeared too spoiled for the food offered to him for free.

When the dancing started, his mother being asked by so many people for it was her grand day, Arthur remained sitting on his seat. He was thankfully still too young to have anyone asked him, otherwise he would have run from the hall long ago, he didn't see the fun in dancing. People stepping on your feet and spinning around until they were dizzy. Sounded stupid.

Andric loved dancing, of course he did, girls liked him and he liked girls and dancing meant getting close to girls. He watched how his brother danced with their Velaryon cousin, Prince Doran twirling the Blackmont daughter around and Oberyn dancing clumsily with Ashara. Arthur's mother was dancing with her brother and his father was standing with some friends, drinking and talking.

They all had fun. So why couldn't Arthur? Why couldn't he be happy and dance and laugh? 

Why did he think of all the people down in the village who were so nice but who would never have so much food or get to drink and dance?

Arthur wanted to go back to his chamber but he couldn't, it wouldn't be right to just disappear on his mother's name day feast. He wanted to do anything else than sit there watching this stupid dancing.

And then it happened again what he didn't like about his head, too much time spent doing nothing but being alone with his thoughts always ended up bad for him. So much food, so much wine, and down in the village the people had only bread sometimes, and here Arthur was sitting, complaining about stupid dancing. A good knight he was gonna become, too focused on muttering about stupid then spent time worrying about what could be done for those who couldn't help themselves.

His chest started to hurt again and Arthur panicked, not here, not now, it couldn't happen here, not when so many people were watching. Why did this happen now? His heart was going really fast and Arthur frantically looked around to see if anyone was watching while his face got so very warm and his chest started to burn.

He needed to breathe but he couldn't. 

He slipped from his chair and ducked under the arms of the serving maids approaching the table to check the cups, he needed to go. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, when he couldn't breathe, when he got so scared that he stopped breathing. His father always said to find him when this happened, but he was speaking with friends and important men and Arthur couldn't bother him anymore. Arthur was eight, he wasn't a baby anymore. 

He rushed from the hall and stumbled through the first door he could find, which turned out to be his father's solar. Arthur gritted his teeth and curled his small hands into fists, hating himself for not being able to stop this, why couldn't he just get better and not get so scared anymore all the damn time.

He crawled into the dark space under his father's desk, darkness helped, tight spaces even more, when he couldn't see anything, he couldn't see what he was failing to be good at again. He pulled his knees to his chest, the chest that was hurting so badly already while he just couldn't breathe. His head was starting to hurt so he pressed his hands against his face, sometimes pain helped.

„Arthur?“

He didn't know how long he had been sitting under the desk when his father's hands were pulling his hands away from his face, „Hey, come on, Arthur, look at me, son.“ Arthur shook his hand, no, his father wasn't supposed to be here, he was supposed to talk to important men, Arthur was not a baby. „I know you're not a baby, son, and this has nothing to do with not being baby. Come on, Arthur, I need you to breathe with me, son.“

Arthur was not strong enough to resist when his father pulled him out from under the desk and sat down with him on the ground, Arthur still couldn't look at him but only too gratefully leaned back against his father's chest. His father always did it when Arthur got like this and then he talked and breathed really deep until Arthur's body stopped being stupid.

His father was the only one who knew what to do when Arthur's head got too loud and made him stop breathing right. He was also the only one who even knew this was happening, had been happening for as long as Arthur could remember.

„Now, that is better already.“ His father said after a while when Arthur's chest wasn't burning anymore, „You wanna tell me what happened?“ Arthur shook his head, sometimes he talked, tried to explain, but more often than not he kept it to himself. He would get better, stronger and better and it would stop. „Alright. You wanna go to bed? Your Momma will understand.“ Another headshake, he couldn't leave yet, and he also didn't want to be alone, „Well then, my son. Let's see if we can find Uncle Lucerys, he wanted to see your sword. Wouldn't believe me when I said my little miracle was fighting with steel.“

Arthur let himself be pulled to his feet and nudged back into the feast hall, staying close to his father without actually holding his hand, he wasn't a baby anymore. He also didn't understand why his father always called the Captain his Uncle, he was Momma's cousin, like Ser Laeno. Momma's father was the younger brother of the old Lord of Driftmark, Arthur wasn't exactly happy about having to learn about so many houses, Dorne already had enough but he did it anyway.

So the Captain was Momma's cousin, and not her brother – Momma didn't have siblings like Arthur did – but he still called Arthur nephew and told him to call him uncle. Arthur had asked him why once, the Captain had said something about his younger brother Laeno not having the affinity that could produce nephews. Arthur had no idea what that meant but it always made Father laugh and Ser Laeno roll his eyes – years later, Arthur would get it.

Years later Arthur would also understand that his father had liked to bring up that topic with him because thinking about family trees and too many connected houses among the bloody Seven Kingdoms always distracted Arthur enough to stop being afraid of his own thoughts.

\--

By the time Arthur was ten, two more people knew about the problem with his head, because when they tell you that the things you worry about as a kid will become ridiculous when you're older, they have certainly never met Arthur Dayne.

The older he got, the bigger the world around him got, the more he found to be worried about, the more people he saw who needed someone to fight for them, to defend them.

His father had made him tell and try to explain what sometimes happened when his head got too loud and 'too dark' to Ser Laeno, for whom Arthur was squiring because 'I can't make you a page, you're better with steel than half of my brother's men'. Uncle Laeno understood and Arthur knew that he had talked with his father on how one could help Arthur through it.

The first time it happened after Arthur had left home, it was terrible but Laeno learned and Arthur soon got a friend who was the solution to everything anyway. 

Because Rhaegar understood him better than Arthur sometimes did himself.

After the squires assaulted him in the stables, Arthur felt old insecurities flare up so badly again that he didn't dare go anywhere without Laeno or Rhaegar. He politely refused invitations from Lewyn to come to the training's yard once he was better and when Laeno needed to guard Lucerys and Rhaegar was in lessons, Arthur preferred to sit in his chamber then, door locked, curtains drawn in front of the window.

It got better.

Rhaegar showed that hidden temper he kept reigned in so much usually and induced that those squires were not only banned from court and the capital but also sent back home with clear letters stating that punishmen was expected. 

His father offered Arthur up to come home, that he would find him a knight to squire for in Dorne but Arthur panicked so hard at the thought of having to leave Rhaegar that he would have surely passed out if Rhaegar hadn't stormed into the room then.

It wouldn't be the first letter causing Arthur's head to turn into a mess.

\--

When he got sworn in as the Sword of the Morning and Dawn rested in his hands in the Great Hall of Starfall, his family's proud eyes on him, Arthur felt like throwing up. He felt like throwing up and stop breathing, felt like only the Stranger taking him could free him from this nightmare.

He wanted this.

His father had asked, a hundred times, had reminded him again and again that just because they found him worthy didn't mean he had to take it. But Arthur wanted it.

He wanted her.

He wanted Dawn.

He was found worthy of her and he wanted her, he was terrifiedto disappoint but he wanted.

Which didn't diminish the bubble that burst in his head once the ceremonial part was over and he was left staring into a wine cup at a feast that was for him but that he really hadn't wanted.

He got through conversations in absolute trance, words washing by him until the ringing in his ears got so bad that he saw no other chance but to make polite if hasty excuses to whomever he had been speaking before fleeing from the hall and up onto the Palestone Sword Tower where no one would expect him.

Well, except one.

Arthur was sitting on the ground, leaned back against the cold stones, the stars the only witness to his impending break down. The stupid official leather armor of the Sword of the Morning was choking him, collar getting tighter and tighter it seemed like. He was sweating and freezing at the same time, his hands were shaking and he kept them tightly wrapped around his knees.

What would the Sword of the Morning do now? What great deeds could they expect from him? Would he return to Dorne? Would he decide to fight for the crown?

"Hey, hey!"

Hands fell onto his shoulders, pulling him up again where he had hidden his face against his knees when his chest was starting to burn again, breaths rattling in his lungs, being gasped past dry lips.

"Arthur, look at me, please." Rhaegar pleaded and Arthur gasped for more air that wouldn't come but still managed to look up, catching eyes that shone so deeply violet in the dark of the night. Rhaegar was kneeling in front of him, worried but calm, the red three headed dragon on his doublet seemed to move, "You slipped from the hall like a ghost. Did Prince Doran say anything to you?"

Had it been Prince Doran Arthur had been talking to, he didn't remember anymore.

Rhaegar frowned when Arthur could only stare at him, still choking on his own breaths, "Hey, you with me?" Careful fingers went to his neck and tugged on the strings of the tunic and the doublet, opening them up a little. Arthur tried to speak but couldn't find words, so he shook his head, bringing his hands up to clutch at Rhaegar's arms. The silent cry for help that Rhaegar immediately understood, the cry for help that Arthur would only give him. Rhaegar framed his face with strong gentle hands.

"You know it's all just talks. People trying to get into your father's good graces because the Daynes have a great warrior now. You could tell them everything, they wouldn't remember it anymore tomorrow, not with how the wine is flowing." Rhaegar's voice washed over him and though it helped, it wasn't enough, thumbs were softly stroking over his cheekbones.

"It was a mistake." Arthur croaked out then, "I'm not good enough for Dawn, I don't deserve her. They need to find someone else. I can't do this, Rhaegar, I can't..."

And Rhaegar had kissed him.

Just leaned forward suddenly and kissed Arthur. Not some awkward press of lips, a real kiss, or at least that was what Arthur's head made out of it.

He had been fifteen, Rhaegar had been sixteen and where he had already had experience, Arthur had had none. His first kiss.

His first kiss brought him out of one of the most terrible dark moments in his head.

For a short moment he was frozen, eyes having fallen shut but then instinct or something like it kicked in and he kissed Rhaegar back. When they were both breathless, they pulled apart, foreheads leaning against each other. Rhaegar was grinning, eyes and lips at all, while Arthur couldn't know if he looked even half as stunned as he felt.

„What are you doing?“ He whispered and Rhaegar rolled his eyes, he did that often when something seemed obvious to him.  
„I am taking what I want, didn't you always tell me that's what a spoiled prince should be doing?“ Rhaegar joked and Arthur scoffed at him, „I didn't hear you complaining.“

„You won't.“ Arthur breathed out and the mood shifted from playful into something else, away from the darkness towards something way more powerful. Rhaegar stroked one hand over Arthur's face and up into his hair, Arthur felt himself unable to not push into it.  
„Be careful what you say, my friend.“ Rhaegar chuckled, a little dark and husky but maybe Arthur was imagining that, „If you let me have you, I might not be willing to give you away again.“ Rhaegar added and Arthur stared up at him.

„Still not gonna change what I said.“ Arthur confessed, licking over lips that still felt like they were tingling, „Rhaegar...I don't want to be anywhere else but at your side.“ And Rhaegar broke out into what had to be the most beautiful smile Arthur had so far seen on his face, his eyes were flashing with something and Arthur could almost see the words coming that were meant to broke this moment that felt a bit too heavy for boys as young as them. He covered Rhaegar's mouth with his palm, „If you make a joke about dragons bonding only with one rider now to ruin this moment, I'm gonna throw you from this tower.“

Rhaegar threw his head and laughed, Arthur's hand slipped down to rest on his chest, he felt that heart beating beneath his fingers. Rhaegar helped him up again, hands curled tightly around Arthur's and he pulled him into an embrace when they were both standing. A hug that in the light of this new revelation turned from harmless and friendly into not so innocent when Rhaegar pushed him back against the wall. Arthur gasped when his back hit the stone, a sound that got caught off when Rhaegar caught his lips for a kiss again.

Thoughts about white hot panicked fear were entirely forgotten when he hungrily kissed back.

\--

By the time he was eighteen, Arthur had come to despise ravens, they never brought any good news, quite on the contrary, they usually brought terrible ones. A few moons after his mother's death, he had accompanied Rhaegar back to King's Landing when he needed to endure another round of wedding talks with possible matches that they both knew would immediately be refused by the King again.

Things with Aerys were getting worse.

Arthur got the stupid scroll with the stupid words when he was in the training's yard, rubbing at a forming bruise that Lewyn had given him with that damned spear of his. Just because already no one wanted to spar against Arthur when he held Dawn. Lewyn and Kingsguard Commander Ser Gerold were talking in the shadow of the tree Arthur had sat down against shortly before one of the servants had pushed the scroll into his hand before hurrying off.

Arthur was still staring at the seal of his family minutes later, heart beating frantically, the last time a scroll like this had come his brother had needed to inform him of the assault on his mother and his sisters that his mother had not survived. Heaving a deep breath, he broke the seal and unrolled the scroll.

Only for his heart to not stop in shock, but to start racing in his chest, sweat breaking out on the back of his neck, his ears immediately ringing with all the bells the Sept of Baelor had to offer. 

'You are to join the Kingsguard by the next moon's turn. My hands are bound. I am sorry, brother, I would not have wanted this for you. Andric.'

„Hey, lad, you okay?“

Arthur snapped his head upon the voice and stared at Ser Gerold, Lewyn had walked back to the sparring grounds. The Commander of the Kingsguard was looking at him and Arthur panicked, he skipped right over that ball of fear and dread mixing together until he couldn't breathe anymore and went directly to choking on it.

„Ser...did you know?“ He stuttered out and held out the scroll from his brother, Ser Gerold frowned at him and took the scroll, Arthur held onto Dawn as if she could somehow make this all go away. He respected the knights of the Kingsguard, he knew that since Gwayne Gaunt's death in the defiance of Duskendale last year, the people had been waiting for the number to be risen to Seven again.

Arthur had never for once even briefly entertained the notion of wanting that spot.

He had wanted to remain Rhaegar's sworn shield. He wanted to be Rhaegar's shadow, not the king's.

He didn't want to have his actions watched and judged by the entire realm.

„No. No, I most certainly did not know this.“ Ser Gerold answered him and his frown deepened, „It seems decisions were formed entirely over my head, son. You okay there, Arthur? You looked a little pale.“ The White Bull rumbled and Arthur wanted to cry out over the ringing crescendo in his head but he just struggled to his feet, leaning heavily on Dawn until the world stopped spinning.

„I'm fine. I need...I need to find the Prince...“ He was already walking away while speaking, rushing out of the courtyard and into the first corridor that led back into the wing of the Red Keep where Rhaegar had his solar. He made it as far as behind the first door before his legs gave out and he would have hit the ground if not for strong armor clad arms catching him and lowering him more controlled down onto the stone.

Arthur pinched his eyes shut and let Dawn drop from his hands, everything was spinning and not even when he leaned forward to press his forehead against his knees did it get any better. Ser Gerold called out to a passing by maid to hurry and tell the Prince and then laid a hand on Arthur's shoulder.

„Is there anything I can do?“

Gerold's question almost managed to have Arthur laugh, Rhaegar had found a very good way of getting him out of these episodes, but Arthur was not going to ask the Commander of the bloody Kingsguard to kiss him. He doubted it would have the same effect. So he shook his head, grimacing when his chest protested, he pressed his hands tighter against it, tried to will his heart to calm down.

He needed to calm down, he needed to snap out of it.

Why couldn't he just bloody snap out of it?

„Hey, hey, laddie, stay with me.“ Ser Gerold shook his shoulder and Arthur forced a breath into his lungs, but it wasn't working. It wasn't working at all. He couldn't breathe and it had never been this bad. His head was pounding, his chest was already numb with pain. He couldn't breathe and it hurt.

„Arthur!“

And then Rhaegar was there, falling to his knees in front of Arthur and reaching for his hands, squeezing and stroking and ducking low to catch his eyes. „Hey, hey, what happened? What's going on?“ Arthur shook his head, eyes pressed shut again when it felt like knives being sliced through his chest. „Okay, look at me, Arthur, look at me, please. It's gonna be okay, just look at me.“

He managed only because Rhaegar held his face in both hands, but as tender as it was, there was nothing loving in it now, only pure worry. This was a bad one, even Arthur could tell, but Rhaegar looked at him unflinchingly, his hands a steady presence.

They must have stared at each other for minutes, Ser Gerold a silent witness, until at some point Arthur's chest lunged for its first deep breath again. His eyes were swimming with unshed tears of pain and he didn't even give a damn when Rhaegar pulled him close right in that open hallway. They weren't affectionate in King's Landing, that was reserved for closed doors and Dragonstone.

But now, Rhaegar held him until it was all as good as it could be in the light of such news. Later they would talk, they would figure it out and make new promises to each other, but for now Rhaegar held him and talked in quiet tones with Ser Gerold while Arthur breathed.

\--

At the Tower of Joy, there was a week where Arthur's mood had sunk so far down below that not even Oswell's truly terrible jokes could lift it in any way. He hadn't known just what happened, a thought gone down the wrong way, something that had rubbed him the wrong way.

He kept himself away from the others, didn't want to ruin their happiness, he gladly took over night watch and slept the days away, just so he could be alone. Or at least he tried to sleep, it wasn't working so well, with nothing to focus on, nothing to keep his mind sharp and occupied with seeing dangers in the dark, he got to thinking.

Thinking, thinking, thinking.

About their situation, about the situation in King's Landing, about what could happen. About his sister and the child she had born. About Andric and the worries they were causing him now. Half truths and promises for explanations later.

After the fourth night without any sleep, it was Rhaegar who made the cut.

Arthur was sitting on a rock outside the stairs that led up to the only exit of the tower, Dawn stuck in the sand in front of him while he stared at the darkening sky.

„Are you going to snap at me like you snapped at Os?“ Rhaegar spoke up as he walked over from the stairs, „Or will I get the cold shoulder like Gerold?“ Arthur remained silent, not taking his eyes off of the sky as Rhaegar stopped right in front of him and drew Dawn out of the sand. „Talk to me.“

„There is nothing to talk about.“ Arthur whispered, tired and defeated, he was just so tired and he needed his head to shut up, to be quiet for just some hours so he could get some sleep.  
„Alright.“ Rhaegar said and held out a hand, „Then we won't tallk, but you're still coming with me.“ Arthur turned his head so he could look at him, Rhaegar's eyes were worried but also heavy with stubborness, this was not a fight Arthur was going to win in this state.

„In case you haven't noticed, I am standing watch.“ It wasn't really snapping, his voice was too quiet for it and the voice inside his head was only waiting for him to do something that could make it yell at him again. Useless Arthur, useless weak Arthur.  
„Come with me.“ Rhaegar repeated, hand still offered, Dawn in the other, „Os is getting ready as I am standing here. It's his turn to take a night. You need to sleep.“

He wanted to argue but couldn't find words.

Heaving a sigh he grabbed Rhaegar's hand, let him be pulled to his feet and then over to the stairs. They climbed up until the got to the tower entrance, and then further on the stairs within, past the room where the three Knights slept, and up to the empty room below where Lyanna and Rhaegar slept. Rhaegar had turned it into half a solar, books and scrolls and burned out candles, Arthur was almost shocked at how many candles had been added since he had last been up here.

He had promised to keep Rhaegar's head from drifting off again, he had failed, he hadn't even been able to keep his own from wandering.

Not good enough.

Rhaegar closed the door and set Dawn upon a chest in the corner before rounding to stand behind Arthur. His hands unclasped the white cloak and then armor piece after armor piece. Arthur had to close his eyes because it was like Rhaegar was building down the walls he had put up around himself, armor and cloak, pieces that made Arthur feel worth something.

He was shaking when he was down to pants and simple grey tunic and he gasped out a „no“ when Rhaegar wrapped his arms around him from behind, „No, Regg, I'm okay.“  
„I got you, Arthur.“ Rhaegar ignored him and instead whispered gently against the side of his neck, „I got you, let go,“ Arthur shook his head, even when his hands came up to clutch at Rhaegar's, desperately holding on. „It's okay, you're gonna be okay. You just need some sleep.“

„I don't need sleep.“ Arthur choked out and the voices in his head came back with a vengeance, 'not good enough, you're still not good', 'how can you protect them when you can't even keep your own head from worrying itself into a frenzy'.  
„I'm here.“ Rhaegar's voice broke through them as it always did, „I'm here, you're gonna be okay, Arthur. I know what's going on in your head again, and you got to listen to me.“ Arthur grimaced when his breaths shuddered and his chest began to burn, in response Rhaegar tightened his hold on him.

„Just listen to me, alright?“ Rhaegar continued talking, muttering on about Westerosi houses and family trees, that topic still bored Arthur so much to death and confused him to all hells that everything else in his head got utterly silent. At some point, maybe minutes, maybe an hour later, Arthur had no idea, he slumped back against Rhaegar's chest. „There you are. Will you stop fighting me now?“ A nod, Arthur wasn't capable of more anymore, he was so tired. Rhaegar chuckled and turned him around, tipped his chin up so Arthur would look at him, „Good. You are good, okay? I never want you to change. This is my Arthur, worries and fears and jumbled mess of a mind and all. And now you're gonna get some sleep.“

„On your desk?“ Arthur mumbled as a question and dropped his forehead against Rhaegar's shoulder, he could nearly feel how Rhaegar rolled his eyes.  
„No, a bed, you fool. Now come, I can't lug you up those stairs by myself, you're too heavy.“ Rhaegar chuckled and Arthur wished he could have made some funny comeback but the silence and the peace inside his head just felt too wonderful to even think of anything but to enjoy it.

How Rhaegar managed to get him up the stairs was a puzzle for Arthur to figure out when he was awake enough again to do more than just follow. When he was gently pushed down on a bed and smaller hands than those of his best friend stroked through his hair while Rhaegar took off his boots, Arthur decided that it could wait until tomorrow as well.

Nothing had to make sense right now.

Not when it felt so good.

„He's gonna freak out in the morning.“ Arthur heard Lyanna's voice distantly, something warm settled down on his right side, somewhere off to the left Rhaegar chuckled.  
„I am looking forward to it.“ Rhaegar noted and Arthur rolled his head to the left when Rhaegar laid down, „He's quite dashing when he is freaking out.“

And the last thing Arthur remembered before sleep claimed him were two sets of lips brushing a kiss against his.

\--

Years later those episodes had been exchanged with garish nightmares and still...

It was weird to think about it.

Weird maybe because Jon was turning four soon, only a mere weeks now and though they still happened, the nightmarish episodes were getting rarer finally, but the other attacks had stopped completely. Not even Rhaegar's death had brought one over him, he had broken down with grief and pain but his head had not let those darkness take over and cut off his breath.

And it hadn't happened since.

Which was probably good, because Ashara didn't even know this part existed in her brother.

Except for one everyone who knew had died. His Father, Gerold, Rhaegar, Lyanna. Only Uncle Laeno remained supposedly, the last news Arthur had gotten about him from Andric were two years old already.

Sighing, Arthur looked up at the setting sun over the sea at the harbor, half an eye on Torrhen chasing after some birds on the pier. 

Gerold had once called this feeling that took over Arthur's head anxiety, had said his mother had had it, too, that there was no cure against it really, that he could only remain strong and not give up. Arthur had never given up and he still wouldn't give up, even if it came over him again, but for now it looked like Rhaegar had taken the fear inside of him with him into death's embrace.

Arthur was truthfully surprised over it, considering that this rebellion, this war had given him a whole life full of new worries to fret over. But maybe that was also it, he had finally understood that some things were just out of his reach. Otherwise Torrhen and that desert snake would have had him drop dead on the spot one and a half years ago.

„Brooding doesn't suit you.“ 

„Sneaking up on people doesn't suit you.“ Arthur answered calmly, he had heard the man's boots walking over the old wood of the pier easily. He looked up at Marten Sand, found a grin send his way from the older of the two bastards the former Prince Consort of Dorne had fathered. Marten snorted but still smirked when he reached out a hand for Arthur to shake, getting to his feet, mindful to keep the hood over his head for once like he tended to do when he ventured closer to the Westerosi ships in the harbor of Volantis.

„Growing like weed.“ Marten said with a smile down at Torrhen who had come over, ship captains were more interesting than chasing birds, „My brothers will want to know one of these days just what you are protecting here.“  
„And they will know.“ Arthur agreed, stroking a hand through Torrhen's hair, „Just not now.“ He made clear and handed over the stack of letters he had bound together with some strick. 

Marten took them and nodded.

„I won't be back until the turn of the year. My ship needs some tending to, but I'll make sure that whoever gets send on this route in my stead in the meantime will keep an eye on a hooded man in the harbor.“ Marten promised and then flicked a silver stag coin to Torrhen like he always did despite Arthur's initial protest, Torrhen caught it and thanked him. „Take care, Arthur.“

And then they watched how Marten called his crew to finally get a move on and get the 'Sunny Maid' out onto sea as he walked up the plank.

„Can we go a ship, too, uncle?“ Torrhen asked, going up on his tip toes to see better, Arthur picked him up, set him on his hip, soon already Torrhen would be too big for it, „Go somewhere with a ship?“ Arthur smiled, set his eyes onto the Martell flag that the 'Sunny Maid' sailed under.

„Tell you what, Torrhen, one day we will go onto a ship. Onto a ship just like this one and we'll go somewhere special. One day.“

But until then...

'I'm okay, Regg' Arthur thought as he turned to walk them back up the hill, Torrhen chattering away over the birds, 'I'm okay and I'm strong, and whatever happens I know I have you watching out for me.'

And always will.


End file.
